And at my funeral you'd curse me under your breath
Bonnie Parker . . . er . . . I meant Madonna:
scientific name: [Equus ferus caballus]
We're in yet another Chinese New Year, and it's still your year, my Madonna. This is the year of the wooden horse. Yeah, you were pretty stiff--you could say "wooden"--in a manner of speaking, in my experience, Madonna. Your main horse attribute is the implied second component, namely, "shit," as in "horse shit." Excuse me for saying so, but I must speak the details here, or I have nothing to say about this matter. Don't think of this as a put down, though. It's about the best I have to say about you, at present. So, enjoy!
(Don't take this the wrong way, Madonna. You know I . . . like . . . you.)
One of My Acting Class Field Trips - Beverly Hills in Winter of 2006
I had this short video on my home page many months ago. Back then, I stored it at my website. Now, I just uploaded it to YouTube, with the hope that the whole world would see it. This sidewalk restaurant was on Little Santa Monica Bl., in Beverly Hills. This was in Winter of 2006. I ordered a seaweed salad. I'll never make that mistake again. I hated it.
Watch Lindsay Lohan call Paris Hilton a cunt:
I love that expression on the guy's face, after hearing Linday say that.
Hi, Reese Witherspoon. Were you the one who showed up somewheres for the New Year's Eve celebration? She sure looked like you. I paid attention to the face this time. Now I wish I could know for sure. You celeb ladies are such teases, to not admit to me who you are. I told her she looks like you, and she thanked me for saying that. Afterwards she seemed pleased with me, so that makes me suspect she was really you. Well, someday maybe I'll know for sure. Find me anytime you want, Reese. If she was you, you were the only celeb I spotted there this time. It was a boring night, except for you being there.
Hi, Eileen Frere. Every time I see you on the news, I remember those
nights someplace over a year ago. I've concluded, since then, that she
was you. Thank you for your attentions, Eileen. I've been a real magnet
for tv news ladies for years. If people believe me, maybe they envy me.
I'm something like the highest-profile guy whose name is not a
household word. I'm not sure; maybe one of my names is a household word
Hi, Michelle Ruiz. I'm sorry I didn't include you here earlier, but sometimes I hesitate, not being sure it'd be appreciated. I'm sure you were the one who showed up someplace for a not-so-distant Halloween, one year. You were phenomenal. Thank you so much, Michelle.
Hi, Lindsay Lohan. Will this next line look familiar. I talked with someone
who looked so much like you, months earlier in 2006, that I mentioned
it to the young lady. What she said didn't seem like an affirmation
that she was you, Lindsay. I'm not completely convinced she wasn't you
though, Lindsay. Well, that event qualifies you to a place in this
hi-to list of mine. So hi again, Lindsay. Maybe I'll see you around
Hi, Jessica Simpson. I'm still not sure you weren't the one I was finding someplace months ago, so that's why I didn't add you to this list right away, Jessica. I'd
hate to have you feel slighted by your not getting into this list, Jessica.
If she was you I was talking to, how could I thank you enough for
finding me, Jessica. I don't think it's usually a mere coincidence when
these Hollywood ladies find me out on the town, Jessica. I hope I don't
seem vain to say that, but I believe it, Jessica. All these furtive, or
not-so-furtive, encounters have meant so much to me, Jessica. Thanks a
zillion jillion to you and all the other wonderful Hollywood ladies I've
met around, Jessica. I want you all to know how much you all have
enhanced my life over the last so many years, Jessica. I can't imagine
where I'd be today if it weren't for all of you fabulous ladies,
Jessica. Don't hesitate to pass this thank-you on to the others,
Jessica. I think probably all of them have been aware of their being in
this list, Jessica. Over the last so many weeks, I'd think of you
again, and I'd feel bad that maybe you'd be feeling ignored or
unappreciated by me, Jessica. I really appreciate you and the others,
more than I can express, Jessica. I really do, Jessica. I couldn't
possibly feel right not saying so, Jessica. The thought was just making
me cry, Jessica. Whatever else you ladies find in your life
experiences, don't let yourselves feel unappreciated by me. You've
meant tremendously much to me, ladies.
Hi, Meredith Vieira. I think I've finally figured out that she was you
someplace, something like four years ago, Meredith. I really
enjoyed seeing you there, Meredith. I was sitting there in front of
you, and I was thinking, "I know I've seen this lady on tv, but I can't
remember who she is." It took me years, but finally I believe I've
figured it out, Meredith. I wasn't a big watcher of The View,
or I would have recognized you, Meredith. I'd never decline, knowing
you're you, so to speak, Meredith. You're hot, Meredith. One of the
things I wished The
View would change was that they left your names by you so
briefly, I couldn't quite capture the name, to associate it with the
person, Meredith. My eyesight is plenty bad, even without stuff not
being on the screne long enough to make out what it is, Meredith. If
you're reading this, please tell them that for me, ok? Thanks,
Meredith. I don't even remember what show . . . oh yeah, I
think I heard that it's Katie Couric's old spot that you're going to be
filling, Meredith. Maybe I shouldn't be so bold, but it would be
phenomenal to see you again someplace, Meredith.
Hi, Angelina Jolie. I can hardly believe that I forgot to put you and Brad
into this list right away.
Hi, Brad Pitt. I almost hate to mention it, but I suppose that was you I saw in Fullerton in 2005. Maybe the lady with the long, dark hair was Angelina. I couldn't tell with her back to me.
Hi, Erica Hill. I sort of thought you were in this hi-to list, but then
I just checked, and saw that you weren't. You're here now, Erica.
I was just sitting at my computer, with you on CNN Headline News, and
I suddenly had the thought that maybe you were unhappy about not appearing in
my hi-to list, Erica. It was an oversight, Erica. You should have been here from
the start, Erica. Was she really you someplace, Erica? If so, thanks, Erica.
Hi, Joan Rivers. I always liked you, Joan.
Hi, Howard Stern. Your tv show was good, but it would have been
better uncensored. Maybe some were able to tune into it without the
censoring? I wish I had that kind of tv service, Howard.
Hi, Fran Drescher. Since my letter to you didn't reach you, I'll
include a word or two here, Fran. I once mumbled, to myself, in a
restaurant, that I wished Fran Drescher would dump her husband for me.
It was like magic. About the next day, I heard a tv report that you
just broke off from your husband, Fran. You can reach me by email,
through the link below, Fran. Thank you for talking to me today, on October 1, 2006, Fran. It was a phenomenal way to start off the month of October, Fran. Really, your voice is you somehow, Fran. I've always
thought that your voice had a kind of charm to it, Fran. You wrote to me many times, but
you no longer have time for me, Fran?
Hi, Lauren Ezersky. I've always been fascinted by the sound of your
voice, and by your looks, as well, Lauren. Wasn't that you at
you-know-where, a number a years ago, Lauren? Please don't hesitate to
drop me a line, Lauren.
Hi, Whoopy Goldberg. Do you remember me from Venice beach, many years
ago, Whoopy (I hope I spelt your name right)? I had a Volkswagen beatle
(Baja style) at the time, and you approached me in the parking lot, at
the beach, Whoopy. I hope I didn't seem rude, Whoopy. If you get in
contact with me, I'll tell you a thing or two, Whoopy.
Hi, Britney Spears. I hope she was the real you, at you-know-where,
Britney. Don't hesitate to cross my path again, Britney.
Hi, Christina Applegate. Remember me from you-know-where, Christina?
Thank you for being there for me, Christina. I love you, Christina.
Hi, Peggy Lipton. Did you realize I was myself, so to speak, when you
spoke with me, at your recent book signing, at Book Soup, Peggy? May
your autobiography sell well, Peggy. I've only read the first two short
chapters, but they fascinated me, Peggy.
Hi, Guy Ritchie.
Hi Courtney Love. Why would I think that the someone someplace many times was you, Courtney? Thanks, Courtney.
Hi Maria Quiban. Right after I first saw you, on the defunct OCN, your
name suddenly changed, from Malvar to Quiban, Maria. That reminded me
of something, Maria. That has kept me thinking about you, Maria. I
figured, at the last minute, that I had to devote a paragraph to you,
Maria. I enjoy your weather report, on Los Angeles' channel 13, 11:00
pm news, Maria. I noticed you brought along OCN's Christy Fajardo, with
you, Maria. Hi to you, too, Christy.
Hi, Lisa Joyner. I think she was you, who showed up
you-would-know-where, several years ago. I enjoyed that, Lisa. And that
goes for you too, Lisa Breckenridge, and Jean Martirez. Hi to you, Lisa
Hi, Sharon Resultan. I enjoyed being with whomever, some years ago,
Sharon. I wouldn't mind crossing paths with whomever again, sometime,
Sharon. You've held a special place in my mind, Sharon. I love you,
Hi, Kelly Cass. Likewise, I enjoyed being with whomever, some years
ago, Kelly. I wouldn't mind meeting with whomever again, sometime,
Hi, Jeanetta Jones. That goes for you, too, Jeanetta. I enjoyed being
with whomever, some years ago, Jeanetta.
Hi, Kristina Abernathy. I've had your autographed, 8 x 10,
black-and-white photo hanging on my wall since I don't remember exactly
OMG, Kristina. You must have been the one I saw someplace a couple of
years ago, Kristina. Whew! I hope you realize I'll be pulling my hair
out for the rest of my life, thinking of being with you that time,
Kristina. I'm dead to the world now because of it, Kristina. I hope
you're happy with yourself now, Kristina.
Weather Channel ladies are phenomenal.
Hi, Michaela Pereira. She had to be you, at you-would-know-where, two or three years ago, Michaela. I enjoyed whomever, Michaela.
Hi, Linda Alvarez. She must have been you, at you-would-know-where, many months ago, Linda. That was good, Linda.
Hi, Colleen Williams. I feel sure she was you, at you-would-know-where,
months ago, but I didn't recognize you at first, Colleen. I
enjoyed myself, Colleen.
Hi, Jillian Barberie. "J. Reynolds," as in "R. J. Reynolds," Jill? You are featured at the Smoking Celebs web site, but I've never subscribed, to discover what they have on you there (or not on you?), Jill.
Hi, Dorothy Lucey. You sure made my day at least once.
Hi, Ellen Leyva. I couldn't very well leave you off of my hi-to list,
Ellen. Were you that someone someplace on October 17th of a previous year, Ellen? Whoever she was, she was really hot, Ellen. You've made the last so many years seem all the more interesting, Ellen.
Hi, Paula Abdul. You always capture my attention, whenever I see you on
Hi, Giuliana DePandi.
Hi, Paris Hilton.
Hi, Nicole Ritchie.
Tv news ladies, generally, are phenomenal, as well.
Hi, Simon Cowell. I didn't recognize you, at you-would-know-where,
months ago, in 2004, but it seems he had to be you, there. I think you
asked, under your breath, "You wanted to talk with me?" Actually, there
was something I was thinking of discussing with you, but I changed my
mind about that topic. I'll go out on a limb, and mention the basic
idea here: I was thinking of the possibility of a show, devoted to the
critiquing of established music personalities. After more thorough
comtemplation, I've concluded that would be an all-around bad idea,
however. Thanks for dropping by, though, Simon.
Hi, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Please beware of global-warming issues being used as scams.
If I left anyone, out there, off of the above "hi to" list, please
don't take it personally. If I included everyone, it would be one long
list. This hi-to list, of mine, doubles as a who's-who-of-who-I've-met
It wasn't just Madonna's doing. Many years ago, I also wanted the name "Steve Bray" to be shrouded in mystery, because of Madonna's stunts against me. I was afraid she'd make even more legal trouble for me than she did.
I think I should post that old Pegasus picture, with me in it. It's
going around on the internet, in case you haven't noticed. It is old;
from the 1970's. I'm the pseudo-blonde, on the far left, in this
I tried to contact a former member of Pegasus, a while back,
unsuccessfully. I'd be glad to hear from any of you, who I haven't
seen, as you know, in many years. It would be nice to hear what you've
been doing since the 1970's. You can reach me through the email link,
at the bottom of this page.
Here I am:
. . . and last, but not least, a live one of me . . .